my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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