I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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