Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The beer is more important than you right now.
two words...techno handjob
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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