Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize