haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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