Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife š¬
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote āColleenās Dickāwith a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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