...so i touched it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
