Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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