and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
