i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
