Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You may now shotgun with the bride
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sext me about skeletons
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
