literally had 100 drinks last night.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
