Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
