tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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