NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
