I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
