Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
