just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
