Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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