no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
