As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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