Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
