I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
