watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
