Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
