I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
