herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
