did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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