This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
