This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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