haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
