Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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