i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
