Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
In other news, I just burned my penis
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
