he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
