apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
