don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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