Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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