Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
only you would photoshop your dick
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
