It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
