Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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