Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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