Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
