just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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