Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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