Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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