So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
