it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
