I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Pooping to opera.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
