Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
