I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
