I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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