Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
