I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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