Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
