We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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