he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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