Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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