i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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