I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
