note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
not ubering you a puppy
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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