Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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